New Here - seeking genuine friends

[angelicmorning]

Hi everyone,
I just found this board. I am not looking for sympathy, just friends who understand. I am Angela, 33, single, 5'5" & just crossed the 400lb mark. I've always been fat - except for a brief period in college when I was bulimic & starved down to near nothing..but this is my al time heaviest. Ive lost & gained over 200lbs several times. But like I aid, I am only 33, so I am starting now to get scared. Yes, Ive tried all the plans..weight watchers, jenny craig, curves, nutrisystem, optifast, slim fast, atkins, southbeach, pills, & am now currently on Meridia. The problem is I am an incredible food addict. I feely admit this. I have been in & out of therapy for years, so I know my "issues (depression, fear of abandonment, & rejection.) But even as I work through those issues, I cannor stop stuffing the food in. Its so bad I even eat in the middle of the night if I wake up..sandwiches, cookies..whatever I can find. I probably eat more in one day than most do in several days. Im ashamed to admit all this, but I have to at this point. It's quite literally killing me. I am now starting to feel the effects in a big way. My knees & back ache all the time..my feet hurt, & if I walk for more than just a few minutes I am totally out of breath. Armless chairs are out of the question now. I carry a lot of my fat in my belly...when I sit it is now hanging slightly over my knees after filling my whole lap. When I stand I look pregnant with triplets, & literally have a hard time seeing where I am stepping..all I see is this huge round belly. And now..it's so heavy that it is literally hanging about midway down my thighs, making lifting my fat leg as well as the weight of my belly to walk a real issue.Im even considering a cane to help with my balance. It sways when I walk, & even finding pants is getting to be a nightmare, as any that do go around me still wont usually work, as my belly apron pushes the crotch way down. So..at 33 Im in mostly thiose tent dresses, pushing my chair way away from my desk to make room for my belly. I can no longer lay on my back to sleep becuse with all this fat I cannot breathe if I do. I cannot even wash normally. I sit on a bench in my shower but have to go lay on my side on the bed & use a sponge on a stick to be able to reach to clean under my belly with it this big. Plus it's too heavy to lift in the shower to clean. My friends & family are worried..kids point & laugh, my insurance will not cover a bit of weight loss surgery, which scares me anyway, & I am getting to the point where I dont even want to live if it has to be like this. I see myself expanding all the time..my entire body is covered instretch marks & draped with hanging rolls of fat..but yet..I keep shoveling the food in...
Like I said, I dont want sympathy..just to hear from anyone else who is extremely obese & struggling, or who has been where I am. How big can one belly actually get??? is there even a way out of this nightmare? This is not how I wanted my life to be at age 33. If there is anyone out there who understands please let me hear from you..Im desperate, still eating, & literally getting fatter all the time. I do NOT want to reach 500lbs. but I also never imagined I would be 412lbs at 33 either...
Hugs to all,
Angela